A big part of leadership is affirming things in a positive way that motivates others to engage and push forward. This can be taken to the extreme in feeling compelled to always say “yes”. And saying “yes” may advance your career in the beginning, for example by taking on extra assignments when they are offered or working to expand and use your network by taking speaking engagements. But if leaders are not careful, they can get trapped in a miasma of commitments and not have the time or energy necessary to advance their own leadership agenda. Soon focus slips away and they feel overwhelmed.

Here are some suggestions for when and how to say “No.” 

1. Understand your psychological needs and make sure that you are not saying “yes,” just to be liked and accepted by others. Good relationships are important but shouldn’t be bought by always saying yes. If your hidden motivation or inclination is to be a pleaser or to avoid conflict, recognize this and realize that you cannot be a competent leader and say yes to everything and please everyone.

2. Be clear about your leadership agenda both strategically and tactically. How does what you are being asked to do fit with your short and long-term strategic goals? In general, most leaders will benefit by refining the clarity of these goals as a first step. Once the goals are clear, assess if the request fits and clearly advances your agenda, then affirm. If it “sort of” fits, but they will do the work, let them. If it doesn’t fit, see the “ready to trade” section below.

3. Be ready to trade. Sometimes you need to do something because the person you work for asked you to. Your job is being loyal and supportive, so do it. If it is consistently off your overall agenda, do it a few times, then sit down and ask for help in understanding how what you are doing fits with the bigger picture. Perhaps you will be swayed and perhaps not. Be willing to offer why you think it doesn’t fit but listen first. When working with peers, sometimes you have to do things in a pure quid pro quo manner. I want that from you, so I will do this for you. Be clear and direct about what it is you want in return. Just be conscious of when you are in an exchange and do not fool yourself that if you get nothing in return you are saving up future favors, likely you are not.

4. Be sure you know what they are asking. Sometimes all they really want is to share an idea and maybe even just get tacit support for an undertaking. They really do not need more than that, but you have committed boldly to the idea, promising support, so don't be surprised when they come back and ask for more. Of course, they will; you seemed so nice and supportive. Your affirmation should be combined with setting out clearly what you can and cannot or will not do. Boundaries are a real asset.

5. Affirm when saying no and give reasons why. You do not have to say yes to send an affirming message about an idea or proposal. “That is a really great idea. Thank you for sharing, and I hope you will keep me updated.” This kind of a statement is a great lead in to: “I am really focused on my current work and do not have any extra time or energy just now, beyond learning about your project.”  I also like something like, “I am really honored that you asked, it means a great deal to me, but my current commitments will just not allow the time to do this justice.” Having and practicing a few standard ways of responding will make it easier and more likely that you will say no. Here are some more of my favorites: “Great idea, thank you for sharing it with me.” Or if you want to stay partially engaged. “Great idea, please keep me updated on it.” Or if you can’t give them the time after they have asked. “As good as the idea is, my current commitments won’t let me dedicate the – time, effort, resources – that it deserves. I’m sorry.” 

6. Be direct and don’t delay. Most of us know right away if what we are being asked to do will fit and advance our work. Thinking about it doesn’t usually improve your understanding, it only provides more time for the guilt or the desire to please creep back into the decision. Once you fully understand the request enough to decide, pull the trigger and give then a polite, but firm no. If you must delay, set a deadline for yourself. “I will let you know tomorrow.” But really, this delay will not help you in most cases. It may even imply that you are more interested than you are.

7. Remember the rest of your life. Many times, the extra things you say yes to will come out of your ability to balance your life and work. Keep pictures in mind or on your desk of those in your life that will actually pay much of the cost of your saying yes without fully thinking. Take a look and see if that extra trip to give the talk at a conference is really worth missing back to school night, soccer playoffs, or anniversaries. 

8. Pass it on. If it really has value and needs to be done, think about passing it on to one of your direct reports. This is really effective if you have worked with them to create a development plan and what is being requested of you is something they would like to have the chance to grow into.  If it is not really important or doesn’t really fit, do not pass it, end it. Don’t forget to think about others that you are mentoring (rather than managing) who might benefit from the opportunity to take up this work.

9. Remember to celebrate when you say no. This is not a lost opportunity, this is a liberation from a burden that will allow you to focus on your critical work, get to the important parts of your career that get short shrift, and have time to balance your life. Take a moment to celebrate your strength in saying no or to celebrate a friend or colleague when they do so. If saying no is particularly challenging for you, you can even keep a monthly tally and give yourself a small reward when you’ve reached a certain threshold.

Saying no is not a defeat - it is you keeping your eye on the prize and moving forward in the right way.