Some people have been given the advice that they should be positive and affirm people, ideas, and opportunities when they came their way. Many people interpret this as encouragement to always say “yes”. And saying “yes” may actually help advance your career in the beginning, for example by taking on extra assignments when they are offered and working to expand and use your network by taking speaking engagements.

Soon she was being asked to not just be on the team but to play more of a leadership role, first in an informal way, but increasingly as the designated person in charge. Her opinions were also sought for other endeavors that she was not directly involved with and this made her feel that her leadership was being recognized throughout the organization. Now her plate was more than full, but the invitations kept coming and she did not want to turn them down because who knew, they might go away. She also found herself increasingly in situations where she felt obligated to lend a hand by giving a talk or taking on a leadership role because it was for someone who had helped her on the way up. And, she also had a keen sense of “paying it forward” and wanted to do favors for those who one day she might need something in return. And her network just kept growing. Soon she was being asked to give national talks addressing her work and she was gratified by the recognition of her contributions and success.

Soon she was in a major leadership role with six direct reports and she was beginning to feel the stress of all of the obligations and the responsibilities of leading her team. The pressure was impacting her personal and professional life. She was drowning, but sadly had never learned the magic word that could rescue her: no.

No

A big part of leadership is affirming things in a positive way that motivates others to engage and push forward. But if leaders are not careful, they can get trapped in a miasma of commitments and not have the time or energy necessary to advance their own leadership agenda. Soon focus slips away and they feel overwhelmed.

Here are some suggestions for when and how to say “No.”

Creating a positive feedback environment

Long before specific feedback is given it is helpful for managers and leaders to work toward the creation of a positive feedback environment. Such an environment creates the shared expectation that everyone involved is on the team and the team has a shared goal, values, culture and expectations. The leader is the principal coach in establishing such an environment, but when it is successful, everyone is coaching everyone else, offering supportive and appreciative comments and, when needed, helping think through how to improve the situation or address a problem.

Creating such an environment requires continuous action by the leader until the team can make the culture belong to them. Here are five elements that are important to such a culture:

Clear purpose and common ground

All teams and work groups need this as the first step. Without both elements, they can’t answer basic questions such as “Where are we going?”  and “What is in this for me?” or “How will success be measured?” It is the leader’s job to facilitate this conversation and keep it going forward as new things arise and situations change.

Acceptance of every individual

Most people come to new ventures with some anxiety about acceptance and performance. Some of this is constructive and produces effort, but it is important for the team leader to create an environment of acceptance and trust. Otherwise it will be difficult to coach in a situation without it seeming judgmental at the personal level. This leads to defensiveness, cover-ups, and emotional outbursts, as the feedback seems more personal than professional. The ideal place to be is, “We are in this together and it is in all of our interests to address the problem.”

Two way nature of most situations

Almost every situation and dynamic that becomes problematic and requires feedback has two sides. Unfortunately, most of the two side discussions we have are focused on fixing the blame on one side or the other. The famous ‘he said-she said’ dynamic. There are situations where one person or group has acted in a unilateral and conscious manner to be dishonest or harm another or subvert a process, and these should be dealt with accordingly. However, for the vast majority of problems the two-sides perspective points to the reality that each side has contributed something to the situation and these elements need to be teased out and addressed.

Expectation of improvement

Every person on the team, including the leader, must go into the situation with the expectation that a better job can always be done and that is only possible if everyone is helping everyone else to improve. This means feedback goes in all directions.

Sanctions on those who remain outside

Nothing will kill a feedback culture faster than a rogue individual who is left to create discord. This does not mean everyone has to agree, far from it. It does mean that individual behaviors that are inconsistent with a constructive feedback culture - unwillingness to share in feedback, vindictiveness when feedback is given, using feedback to make personal attacks - are addressed immediately. Without such attention from the leader all of the other efforts to create a culture will be for naught, worse they will seem hypocritical and bring out cynicism in others.

Giving feedback

Remember, a constructive feedback culture goes both ways. So, learning how to both give and receive feedback is essential. If the culture and environment is set up well, then receiving feedback should come easy and naturally. The most important thing here is to model and instill the behaviors that you wish your direct reports to share, and try to be grateful for the opportunity to improve.

Giving feedback is a big part of this modeling and, like most things, takes a bit of practice to get good at. Here are some general rules to keep in mind when giving feedback:

Be confidential

Feedback is always given in private and it is a conversation between you and the person receiving the feedback. Do not bring a lot of other people into this conversation by representing their feelings or attitudes.

Be supportive

The point of the feedback is improvement so that the person receiving it can improve and be successful in a work setting. Being non-judgmental is a major part of this. Be encouraging and non-threatening. Attacking in any way will just make the person you want to influence defensive, resentful, and unlikely to hear any of the things you want to say.

Be clear

If it is important to offer feedback, then it is important to be clear about what you want to say. Here are some steps to clarity:

1. Think about it beforehand

2. Share it with another person, someone totally outside of the work setting

3. Question your own motivations in giving the feedback

4. Imagine what the outcome is you would like

Be timely

Nothing is worse than waiting until the annual review to give feedback on something that was important but happened six months ago. While it is important to be timely, it is also wise to remember to give yourself some time to cool off if the item of feedback you want to share has brought out an emotional response in you.

Speak from a non-emotional and caring space

This may be the most challenging element in giving feedback, but it is essential. If you are still “steaming” about something, you have to regain your composure before you engage in feedback, nothing constructive will be gained and there is the real potential for damage, wasted time or even bigger problems. Step away, wait a day, cool down, think about it and what you want to achieve, but then have the courage to re-engage.

Focus on specific behaviors or situations

General feedback is generally a fuzz ball when the feedback giver is uncomfortable with what needs to be said. Just say it, a clear and short non-judgmental message opens the door for a conversation to solve the problem. Anything else opens the door to lack of clarity, emotional response, and inappropriate escalation of the significance of the problem.

Describe, don’t judge

Your job is to raise the issue and broaden the understanding. If you have already decided what caused the problem and what needs to be done, then you are not giving feedback, you are passing judgment. This is where the famous “I” statements can help. You don’t give up your opinion or what you have observed, but you are signaling that it is only one perspective and you are inviting them in to share their view. Remember to not generalize or make absolutist statements such as “You always do that.” Don’t make a simple situation worse by overreacting.

Direct to change behavior

Observing that someone might be smarter about something is not really helpful feedback. Observing that they were quick in making a judgment and reacting and that others and you seemed to be offended by this action is an observation they can consider and perhaps do something about.

Don’t lead with advice

Feedback is not advice giving. It is sharing observations about a situation. After that is understood and valued, then it is possible to guardedly offer advice. In a constructive feedback culture the advice is generally asked for right away. A helpful question for the feedback giver at the outset of feedback is, “Are you getting the results you want from this approach?” Let the other person answer and then quite naturally ask if there are alternatives.

Check it, briefly

It is quite all right to check to see if the feedback is understood but do so briefly. After two checks the questioning becomes abusive as in “What part of this don’t you understand.”

Remember that constructive feedback is always given to help the individual who is receiving it. The more the feedback comes across as supportive and helpful, then the more successful it will be. This does not mean that continued inattention does not require more specific requests for change from the manager, leader or co-worker. But such a response should always be reserved until needed.